


The Penis Game

by swag_hurts



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Gen, Just kids being kids, The Them - Freeform, The Them discover the penis game, that’s all folks, the one where you yell penis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-19
Updated: 2019-08-19
Packaged: 2020-09-07 10:53:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20308291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swag_hurts/pseuds/swag_hurts
Summary: In the delightful village of Tadfield, a game has been born. It goes a little like this; each player is to say penis, increasing in volume as they go, until only one brave soul has the guts to continue. There is no real prize, unless the respect of your peers matters to you.





	The Penis Game

**Author's Note:**

> the discord server brought up the them playing the penis game and i made this in a feverish trance.  
enjoy!

[God Voice]  
There is a lot to be said about the wonders of childhood. When asked, most adults will tell you that it was the time of their lives- this is because they are sentimental. However, that same sentimentality doesn't stop them from complaining about how abhorrently ruffian the current youth are. In most cases, I would be inclined to disagree, but The Them do not happen to fall under the easy label of 'most cases'.

In the delightful village of Tadfield, a game has been born. By no means is it an original sort of game, there's been a million iterations of it before, but the metaphorical mothers seem thrilled by their genius nonetheless. It goes a little like this; each player is to say penis, increasing in volume as they go, until only one brave soul has the guts to continue. There is no real prize, unless the respect of your peers matters to you. Whilst this may seem nonsensical, please recall that children often come into the world with god complexes, and enjoy being worshipped as a result. Most of them grow out of it.

Adam (Antichrist, Eater of Worlds, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, Son of Satan) nods approvingly and dubs it the 'Penis Game'. Unlike his namesake, he seems to be unfortunately lacking in creativity. Generously, let us consider it charmingly succinct.

* * *

Four siblings in all but blood gather in the woods, faces grim, arms entangled. Above them- but not quite _Above- _where canopy meets sky, lightning flashes menacingly. Eyes reflecting the sky, the ringleader looks up, lips set into a firm line. "Wensleydale," Adam begins, searching his friend's pale face for the slightest shadow of unworthiness, "Do you accept the title of Penis Referee?"

Wensleydale's brow furrows, this is a serious position after all, it would be wildly inappropriate to look anything but grave. "Actually, I do." He affirms, voice strong. Though he may not know it yet, this is the greatest thing he will ever do Post Apocadon't. Decidedly wet, an ugly snort interrupts the ceremony, drawing several glares towards Brian.

"Sorry. Carry on." Brian apologises, badly stifled snickering betraying his complete lack of remorse.

Adam rolls his eyes, pulling back from the group. "No, this is boring, we only really needed Wensleydale to say yeah anyway." He says. If there is one thing the Antichrist doesn't do, it's sulk. This is the opposite of sulking.

"Can we go home now?" Interrupts Pepper stoutly, crossing her arms, "It's starting to rain."

* * *

It begins in the unsuspecting ice-cream parlour, a sly glint in Adam's eye the spark that began the great fire of London. There is a decidedly brooding aura around him, the dimpling of his cheeks a cherubic warning, the way he leans closer to the group predatory. "Penis." He mutters, so quiet it may as well be a prayer.

Well, if that had been prayer, consider Brian God, as he had understood perfectly well the trap laid out in front of him. Although, being Brian, he was more than happy to fall victim to it anyway. "Penis." He whispers, enthusiastically raising the volume by several notches. In his fascination, he had failed to notice the drip of brown rolling down his wrist. Brian, for all his virtues, always found a way to be sticky. It was almost impressive.

Pepper, death of war, is obviously not one to back away from a challenge. "Penis." She responds, regular speaking volume, head held perfectly straight. Although she'd never admit it, something akin to a smug grin is pulling at her lips. Surely nobody's stupid enough to go above inside voices. Pepper just _knows_ she's won. Underestimating her opponent was her first and last mistake.

Brian, unwilling to so much as consider feeling shame, rises from his chair in a clatter. "PENIS!" He bellows, waving an ice-creamless cone around wildly. Wensleydale turns a delicate shade of pink as The Them garner a few astonished stares. Nearby, a mother covers the ears of her infant. Pepper's mouth is an 'O' of defeat, and Brian has won her begrudging respect.

The Penis Referee looks towards Adam, daring him to go louder. _Nobody_ is as loud as Brian, it's just not possible. It seems their brilliant leader has fallen from grace. Except... he seems to be smirking, eyebrows climbing towards his hairline as he manages to personify trouble. "Brilliant, Brian." He compliments backhandedly. Tension is tangible in the air- thick enough to be sliced with a knife- and everybody in Lower Tadfield can feel it. Several blocks away, a rubber band snaps.

Adam's hair ruffles in an invisible wind, discarded rubbish floating around him as though he's begun to generate his own gravity, eyes fluttering shut.

"Adam?" Pepper asks, demands, stubborn and impatient to the end.

Unlike any regular human being, his response is to start hovering several inches off the ground, eyes snapping open to reveal a searing red. Everybody in Tadfield can feel what comes next- the mental equivalent of receiving a punch to the nose.

_ **“P E N I S.”** _

Landing back on the ground with only the slap of trainer against tile, Adam grins at them winningly. "I rather think I won that one." He boasts, hubris soaring almost as high as the clouds.

"Actually, you didn't really say willy, your mouth wasn't moving." Wensleydale interrupts.

Brian is the winner.


End file.
